Farm Kitchen Diaries: Hormones in the Barn, Cream in the Fridge

PLUS...the countless dairy products you can create with a gallon of milk

As I walk down to the barn to prep the cows for their morning milking, I already know—it’s going to be one of those days.

Some days on the farm, every single animal is just…bad. This was one of those days. My wife and I often blame it on the moon or other astrological placements of the day, which is often spot on.

On this particular day…

The barn cats knock over the cow’s grain mix and devour it like feral beasts.

The rooster, Maria (named long before we realized she was a he), who hasn’t attacked anyone in over a year, ambushes me out of nowhere. I’m unarmed, of course, and left to fend him off with nothing but my hat, which only makes him more outraged.

Sir Bill, our 8-month-old steer, who has been weaned for over a month, manages to sneak a gallon and a half of milk from his mom when no one’s watching.

And Laura Jean—our bossy matriarch—has gone into heat.

I find her in the barnyard attempting to mount anything that’s vertical. And with the mounting comes the worst part: the mooing. Not the soft, pastoral kind of mooing that makes you dream of green pastures and old barns. No. This is the primal, hormonal, utterly relentless ovulation moo. It’s the kind of moo that drills into your nervous system like a screaming baby, beet red in the face and flailing, who cannot be pacified no matter what you do.

I check my watch: 6:15 a.m. I sigh, hard. Then, as I do every morning, I give the herd a pep talk. It’s mostly for me, but they get it anyway.

Usually it’s something simple like: “Okay, everyone, let’s make good decisions today.”

But today’s speech is different. As soon as I see Jean, I know today calls for a warning.

“Girls—and Sir—it’s going to be an intolerable 24 hours. For the love of God, just stay alive and try not to piss the neighbors off too much. Jean, I’m looking at you.”

After chores, I call my A2A2 semen guy. He knows the drill. In less than 48 hours, a cryo tank will arrive on our front porch, containing semen from a top-tier, A2A2, unjabbed Jersey bull. This is not something you’ll find on Amazon. Or at Whole Foods.

And while it may be fairly common for queer women to go online and choose their suiter only to have it arrive in a cryo tank at their front door, the tank on our doorstep isn’t for making babies—it’s for breeding dairy cows.

Still, part of me wishes we had a real, live bull who could just come over and get the job done. But sadly, there’s not a bull in this state who’s good enough for our ladies. We set our reproductive bar high—and judging by their sleek hides, rich milk, and thick cream, our haughty approach to cow genetics is paying off.

After I teach the herd their morning mantra, I milk Jean and strain and filter her milk, which quickly fills both of our refrigerators. Since weaning, Sir, Jean is producing around 4 gallons of milk per day, overflowing with my favorite part of dairying—heavy cream.

Kitchen Wisdom from the Cow

I’m going to give you what I think is the most sustainable and crafty tip when it comes to buying farm-fresh dairy products…

You will get the most bang for your buck when you buy raw milk from your dairy farmer.

Here’s why…

When you buy raw milk from your farmer instead of yogurt, cheese, butter, etc., you get to choose what you want to do with it! You can make so many products from just a gallon of milk.

Here are a few nourishing and delicious foods you can make from just 1 gallon of raw milk:

• 2-4 quarts of yogurt

• Clabbered milk (up to 1 gallon)

• Cultured cream (assuming the milk has cream on top)

• Kefir (up to 1 gallon — all you need is kefir grains!)

• Heaps of farmers’ cheese (who wants a recipe for rosemary and herb farmers’ cheese?!? Comment below.)

• Butter (assuming there’s cream on top of the milk; this will also give you buttermilk!)

Raw milk is a kind of magic. It’s a blank canvas, rich with possibility. Whether you want butter, yogurt, cheese, or a tangy jar of kefir or clabber on your counter, it all starts with one gallon and a little curiosity. Jean gives us the milk, the rest is up to us.

So here's to bad animal days, hormonal cows, cryo tanks on the porch—and the sweet, creamy gallons of milk waiting for you in the kitchen.

~Heathar
PS STAY TUNED tomorrow, I’ll be posting a video for all paid subscribers on how to navigate the often overwhelming world of histamine-rich foods and histamine intolerance.

🎙 Big News from the Barnyard!

Jen and I are thrilled to announce the launch of our new podcast: Something Feral.

It’s for all you rebels out there—those tired of the grind, itching to trade in your office job for a pitchfork, and craving a life that’s more rooted, wilder, and real. Whether you dream of flocks of chickens, fields of veggies, or just a deeper connection to the land—you’re in the right place.

Each week, we share raw, unfiltered stories from our farm, diving deep into the ups and downs and unexpected lessons of homesteading, farming, and building a life on your own terms.

Pull on your boots, and come join us.

🎧 Listen to Something Feral wherever you get your podcasts.